This morning, I was feeling grumpy, so James offered to take the kids to the library for the summer reading activity. I agreed that it would be a good idea. Lucky me, because Katie's been asleep since 9:30 (almost 2 hours), so I've had some time to write out my frustrations (though not on this blog!).
I feel much better. I've come to realize that I worry too much about my role of mother, that it will completely consume me and take away the "Sacha" that I am. This, of course, is a silly thought. Motherhood does consume me, but that's who I am meant to be. It's the identity I longed to have for years before I ever had a baby, and it's the most important title I will ever hold. Everything I do comes back to my family in some way. My little family is what gives my life purpose, and to try to pull away from that would create a schism in me that I don't want.
"Sacha" and "mom" used to be two separate parts of my soul, but they are now forever intertwined. I will never again look at a recipe without thinking of my family first - if they'll like it, if it's healthy, and if it's cheap. When I read books, I often find myself perusing parenting tips instead of fiction. Any crafty thing I've ever made ends up having a practical purpose...and is usually for one of my kids. I can't walk past a rack of tiny dresses without at least thinking of buying one for Katie.
It's from being a mom that I've found myself. The hardest part is remembering that my identity as "Sacha" hasn't been lost at all, just repurposed into something better. That's something I can not only appreciate, but embrace.