Until Now

Today has been quite a horrible day, and it wasn't my fault. When I'm having a bad day, I hate hearing how it's all about perspective. I tell you, the odds were not in my favor this morning!

Let's backtrack a day, though. James was running a fever last night and overall not feeling well. I thought for sure that he wouldn't go to work today, but he felt well enough that he did. That threw off things a bit. Kenny has been a little congested but sleeping mostly well, except that he's woken me up around 6 the last 2 mornings, then gone back to bed. I, of course, can't fall asleep for only 45 minutes, so I've lost a little sleep that I didn't expect to. I hate waking up when it's dark. Waking up 1 1/2 hours before sunrise is one of my least favorite things in the world.

We took James to school so I could have the car. I was in my pj's and feeling pretty hungry and gross (unshowered). Somehow, our clock inside was wrong, so James ended up being late...basically all my fault. I felt really bad.

Kenny was just down for his morning nap when they started hammering/drilling/making obnoxiously loud noises upstairs. I hope they finish doing what they're doing up there ASAP, because this isn't the first time it's ruined a nap for Kenny. It's the 3rd or 4th. He didn't sleep a wink, and we had to be somewhere at 10:30. The visit went well, though, and we got our stuff at Walmart. Unfortunately, Kenny was a basket case by the time we got home: too tired and upset to eat. I put him down for a nap, and 20 minutes later, he was awake. He went back down after eating and is still asleep. I hope he sleeps another hour, because that poor little boy hasn't had 2 decent naps in a couple of days. I need my sanity back. I was about ready to snap this morning, and it wasn't pretty. It made Joseph sad too. I'm a horrible person when I'm angry.

I know that God cares about my me and my role as a mom. It's not glamorous to be "just" a stay-at-home mom, but I can't imagine a job that would make me more likely to pull my hair out or that I would love quite as much. It's hard to find the moments when I can stop, listen, and learn what God is trying to teach me about myself. Recently, it seems that the inspiration I've received and acted on has come to nothing. I've wondered why I bothered, because it didn't seem to make a difference at all. I came to realize that I shouldn't worry so much about improving all the time on every little aspect of my life. Sometimes, "good enough" has to be good enough! Feeling guilty about what I'm not doing perfectly only destroys the happiness that I could have right now. I've spent too much time on things that don't matter, and it's affecting my self image in a negative way. No more!