This morning, I was feeling grumpy, so James offered to take the kids to the library for the summer reading activity. I agreed that it would be a good idea. Lucky me, because Katie's been asleep since 9:30 (almost 2 hours), so I've had some time to write out my frustrations (though not on this blog!).
I feel much better. I've come to realize that I worry too much about my role of mother, that it will completely consume me and take away the "Sacha" that I am. This, of course, is a silly thought. Motherhood does consume me, but that's who I am meant to be. It's the identity I longed to have for years before I ever had a baby, and it's the most important title I will ever hold. Everything I do comes back to my family in some way. My little family is what gives my life purpose, and to try to pull away from that would create a schism in me that I don't want.
"Sacha" and "mom" used to be two separate parts of my soul, but they are now forever intertwined. I will never again look at a recipe without thinking of my family first - if they'll like it, if it's healthy, and if it's cheap. When I read books, I often find myself perusing parenting tips instead of fiction. Any crafty thing I've ever made ends up having a practical purpose...and is usually for one of my kids. I can't walk past a rack of tiny dresses without at least thinking of buying one for Katie.
It's from being a mom that I've found myself. The hardest part is remembering that my identity as "Sacha" hasn't been lost at all, just repurposed into something better. That's something I can not only appreciate, but embrace.
Thanks for sharing, because I go through this a lot.
ReplyDeleteThere is a book I have yet to read (it's on my list) where a young girl gets her dreams washed. Sometimes people hang onto ragged dreams instead of letting them go. My friend Shannon who recommended it to me was discussing how some of her dreams have been re-purposed now that she is a mom. Of course it's more eloquently put in the book. :)
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