My life has lots of ups and downs, just like anyone else's. Mommy-wise, last week (and really, the week before) was a definite low(er) point for me. Now that it's over (for a while, I hope), I can reflect on the difficulties I had.
Joseph has become very obstinate when it comes to naps. He doesn't want to take them, but I know that he needs them still! He has been reminding me, "Mommy, I not to go to bed!" about 10 times a day. When it comes time for his bed/nap routine, he drags his feet the entire time. For a solid week, he absolutely refused to nap. He would stay in his room for 2 hours just talking and singing to himself, happy as can be, but awake. Everything would go fine until about 5 o'clock when he'd have a tantrum about something minor which would drag on while I was making dinner. Any time that Joseph has a tantrum, Kenny joins in. I thought I was going to pull my hair out. I said many prayers that I wouldn't lose my temper (too much) and that I would be able to pull through.
Through the tough times, it's hard not to think of them as punishment. I must be doing something wrong if so many things go badly. My confidence falters when my children act out, I botch a craft, or ruin a dinner. It's as if I forget about all my successes, all because of one failure. I forget that my failures do not define me. Even if I were to fail most of the time, that doesn't matter, because I'm still trying to do all the right things. I will get it right eventually as long as I don't wring my hands and give up. Having an attitude of giving up has never gotten me anywhere.
Patience is a life lesson that I don't want. I never have, but I haven't learned my lesson yet, so experiences like this are far from over. They do help me appreciate the good things about my kids, like the fact they once they're asleep, they sleep all night (11 hours) and have been since 7-8 months old. They are usually both very happy, healthy children. The moments when they aren't probably make up 5% of the time I spend with them, but moments of whining, crying, tantrums, etc. make for some very long days.
Being a mom is hard. Even though I went into this job with experience, sort of, nothing about having 8 younger siblings could ever prepare me for everything that I face now. It's not a bad thing that I don't know everything; it's just hard for me to admit sometimes. I suppose that's the whole point of the experience. Each child is a new challenge and blessing that I have to figure out and re-figure out every day.
My children are helping me become the person that God wants me to be. Right now, I'm still a shadow of that perfected being, but I'm glad that I know how to get there. One day.
I was having a moment (days) like this and I read this blog post. It helps when I still have those little bad days. http://www.daringyoungmom.com/2012/12/19/drops-of-awesome/
ReplyDeleteThanks! I enjoyed this article a lot. I think I need to refer to it often.
DeletePray, pray, pray! I had an interesting experience a week or two ago. I was making some of my 5 minute bread but had let it rise for several hours because I had doctor's visits (of course), so by the time it got baked it was a really weird shape. Then I slightly overbaked it so it was weird AND a little toasted on top, LOL. It was literally the ugliest loaf of bread I have ever seen!
ReplyDeleteAnd as I stood there laughing at it, I had this moment of realization of how far I'd come in relation to some of these issues. Guilt is and probably always will be my struggle, but a few years ago I was much worse than I am now. I really took it hard when I would mess up on things, like you say - like having a cooking disaster (or worse, a really ugly failure I had to serve in public!) or a craft project gone wrong or some other area of my responsibility where I totally dropped the ball. It's something that I have REALLY spent the last few years working on, studying, and praying about. And although I still obviously struggle with that guilt and those feelings of failure... it is a LOT better than it used to be, and I have gotten to the point where I can usually remove myself from the situation enough to take a step back and just laugh at myself, instead of feeling completely worthless. Anyway - just thought I'd pass that on, since it was something I realized recently really HAS changed in me! And good luck with Joseph... I think the 2 year old dropping nap stage is awful. :( Is he still cranky without one?
I'm definitely working on the guilt thing. It's all too easy to feel sorry for myself when I don't succeed, but I feel guilty for feeling too proud of myself as well! I guess there's a delicate balance between being humble and happy or miserable and almost humble.
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