The Challenge

I feel that my life's greatest challenge is simply not knowing everything about the future. No one does, but it bugs me at times because I want to look forward 6 months and know with a surety that everything is going to be my definition of perfect.

Before I married James, I had a hard time visualizing being married to anyone. Who in their right mind would want to spend eternity with me? I get on my own nerves at times. Yet, it still happened, and I'm happier than ever with a man who got the worse end of the deal. With my being 8 months pregnant right now, he puts up with a whole lot! It's still weird to look back and see how perfectly the timing worked out with our wedding. My family had only week where they could make the 3-day drive to Idaho from NC, and James happened to propose 6 weeks before that. It was truly a miracle.

Our children so far have been perfectly timed, or so it would seem. I could say that it's been exactly as I wanted. I wanted to be a mother as soon as I could, and Joseph showed up a month before our first anniversary. He was even kind enough to be born on his due date, something that still pleases my OCD very much. :)

Kenny was born 22 months later during spring break, just by chance. Still, it was pretty convenient, even though he was 3 days late. I wouldn't have said that was perfect, but it was. Mom was still around when I came home from the hospital.

Although our boys were both born while we were poor college students, miracles and sacrifices have always helped us pay for them. Looking back, our financial situation has always defied logic in a way. I thought that a steady job would help my faith a bit, but I still waver when I try to think about all the things we'll need to pay for (or would like to) in the upcoming year. I have no idea how it will all happen.

Our little girl is due in less than 4 weeks. I do not doubt that she belongs in our family. I do wonder why the Lord wanted her here so soon at a seemingly inconvenient time. Our insurance resets in September, which means she will cost more that we originally thought. I didn't know that until recently, but it threw me for a loop since it means we probably won't be able to take advantage of the hospitals "pay up front, get 40% off" deal.

I've spent too much time complaining this time around. The heat and fatigue nearly killed me some days (or so I thought). I have a lot to be grateful for. I found out that she was a girl right during yard sale season, so I was easily able to buy everything I needed for her in a short amount of time and for not much money. My boys have been pretty understanding when I needed rest. Joseph would bring me a blanket while I lay on the couch and rested. Kenny has learned to get along better with Joseph. He walks, talks, and never cries at bedtime anymore. I thought that stage would never end, but now my little guys talk and laugh with each other before they go to sleep. They usually get along, though they do fight like brothers. I couldn't be more grateful for that.

I've always had exactly what I've needed in my life - rarely more. I don't need to have a surplus of money, energy, or time. It doesn't matter that I can't look forward and see exactly how everything will work out. That's why faith is so important. I know that I am where I'm supposed to be - home. I love my job as mom even though it drives me crazy almost daily. I can't think of a job with better rewards. It's not going to get easier with 3 instead of 2 kids, but somehow I feel less nervous than I have over the last 8 months. It's going to work out, even if I can't see it perfectly.