Wednesday, February 18, 2015


It's been a good two weeks. I think that's how long it's been since I wrote last. The kids are all well except for Katie's lower molars coming in. She has her days where she's grumpy and miserable, but then she's fine. They should be in within a week, I hope. She has a constantly runny nose because of it.

James's sister Anna came to visit from SLC. (She attends LDSBC). We had a good time just hanging out and going to the Valentine's party with the ward. I made a huge mistake by eating the food, though. Everything had lots of cheese in it, so I felt absolutely awful and spent a lot of time in the bathroom during the weekend. Anna brought my favorite ice cream, which I also ate, so that didn't help. Yes, world, I am lactose intolerant, and it's never going away! Haha. I'm actually not sad about it. It was a little sad at first, but giving up dairy products helped me expand my cooking horizons to a lot of healthier dishes. It's been over a year now since I quit eating it, minus the occasional slip-up or social occasion.

As much as I love healthy food, I don't love exercising. I've never gotten the "high" that people describe despite all my efforts to use a variety of routines/methods/whatever. I do feel "good" afterward, but not good enough to crave exercise. Oh well. I'll never be a star athlete.

I have finally realized this year that my efforts to take care of myself are enough. Though I wish I could lose 10 lbs., I have maintained this same weight for a long time now (9 months) without any real effort. It's the exact size I was after having Kenny, and that's okay. Things aren't the same as they used to be, and I'm absolutely positive that my hormones have shifted somewhat since I had kids. I have no real reason to complain, because my clothes still fit well, and losing weight wouldn't change my clothing size. I've decided to stop fretting about it and be at peace. I don't have to be crazy perfect because I am feeling good about myself and following all the counsel of the Word of Wisdom. God will take care of the rest.

It can be hard to find peace in the world, but I know I can always find it in the Gospel. I'm grateful for that every day.

Thursday, February 5, 2015


I've been thinking a lot about Ether 12:27 this week. I used to think that my character flaws, if I had enough faith and tried hard to change, would magically disappear or become easy to handle. It's been almost 27 years now, and I'm not so sure about that any more.

Ether declares that God gives us "weakness" rather than "weaknesses" as it is often interpreted. Weakness is simply an overall state of being weak, not meaning any particular character flaw or undesirable trait. Am I weak? Certainly. I don't feel that there is any character trait that is a strength to me at all times. Some of my other traits seem like flaws most of the time when in reality they could be used as strengths if I didn't fight against them so much to try to be like someone else.

How I view my character traits is my own choice. The very words I use to describe my character traits is also a choice that reflects how I feel about them. For too long, I have waited for other people to validate me. Not even God can do that if I'm not willing to have faith in myself.

I choose to cast aside all those negative thoughts that for years have brought me down. I have my days where I feel tempted to degrade myself for just being me. Trying to work against my nature only makes me unhappy. I don't mean that I should do whatever I want out of selfishness. I can work with my perceived weaknesses in a way that makes them my strengths. Only God would know how to do such a thing, because I lack understanding of how to change myself for the better unless I seek guidance from Him.

My view of myself is already changing. I no longer look in the mirror every day and see a woman who should lose weight, wear a smaller size, wear makeup since everyone else does, do my hair differently, paint my nails, stop being so impatient, be more outspoken, stop caring about having a clean house since it never stays that way...

I see a happy person with growing confidence. I'm working with those things I haven't liked in the past to become a better person. My impatience tells me I'll never get there, but then I remember that happiness is right now, not some future point when I've magically become perfect. Thank goodness for that.