Even Better

As we  head toward the one-month mark, I feel extremely grateful to have survived yet another month with a newborn. And my last time! I'm not sure what makes it the hardest: the physical healing, the lack of a schedule at first, getting used to having another person around, or the crazy emotions that run through my head. I have come to realize that there can be many "bad" (or stressful) moments, but the days are usually good. Things of note this week:

I took the older three kids to the ward party at Remember the Maine on Friday. It was a huge success. They were happy to play with friends, we had good food, and I got to socialize.

Saturday day was only okay. It dragged on and Samantha was a little cranky. James did mosquito abatement all day so we didn't see much of him. That night, James took Katie to the Homecoming dance for 45 minutes or so. It's their third year, but Katie was just as excited.

Sunday, I went to Primary since we are practicing for the program (and I'm the chorister). It went pretty well even though I got kind of tired by the end.

First family outing: FHE at the park with Taco Bell. It was a success. We also went to the library. Samantha was calm and happy the whole time except for the drive there. It made up for a kind of rough day I had earlier. I got really emotional when James didn't come home for lunch (teacher day). It was my only time crying this week, though!

I went to the temple on Tues. afternoon, made dinner, and then James took the older three kids to Pack Meeting. They had a great time, so I'm glad they went. Next month, we will all be able to go!

Samantha is official! We got everything squared away with insurance and have received her SS card and birth certificate. It always makes me a little nervous to wait for them to show up in the mail. I think she's going through a growth spurt today because she is fussy, eating a lot, and not sleeping a lot.  Hopefully that doesn't mean a bad night coming.

James has his last day of mosquito abatement today! That means much more family time, and starting right around when Samantha can actually go out of the house. It can be really tough to stay away from crowds for 4-6 weeks, but I think it makes me appreciate it even more when we can all go out together. The crazy part is that the other night when we went to our FHE, our Yukon was completely full. I feel lucky that we've been able to have these 5 kids. I no longer feel disappointed that we won't ever have any more, and I'm glad for that.

21 Days

Supposedly it takes 21 days to make a new habit. I think it also takes that long to get used to have a new person in the house. Things have dramatically improved over the past few weeks, especially in the last 7 days.

Samantha is now going to bed earlier, like 9 p.m. instead of 10 or 11. I had forgotten about my trick I used with Lewis, to wake him up if necessary at 7 p.m. to make sure he'd go to bed at a decent hour. I'm not trying to make bedtime earlier than that yet because she wakes up every 3 hours, which means 12ish and 3ish, then wake up for the day around 6, which works perfectly for me to make breakfast for everyone and I even get enough sleep! Well, 7 hours, which is pretty nice for now.

Her feedings have gotten MUCH faster. It used to take a whole hour for each feeding during the night, but we're down to 20 minutes now! I am so happy about this! I was worried that I was going to be a miserable zombie forever, but all of a sudden. she started eating much better and not just sipping and falling back asleep. I would put her back in bed, only to have her cry 10 minutes later because she was still hungry. She is also more alert during the day and stays awake for more than just eating. Her naps are also a bit more predictable, which I am also grateful for. I have been able to do a little sewing.

My recovery is going well. I had only one really crummy day this week where the baby blues hit hard. Overall, I am feeling pretty good and pretty happy. It will be a while before things are truly "normal" and on a real schedule, but for now I have adjusted to the unpredictable newborn life.

She's growing! We have an appointment today to check her weight since she wasn't growing too fast the first few weeks, but I'm confident she will check out all right. I can see she's starting to fill out a little bit. I moved her up to size 1 diapers and 0-3 months because the newborn jammies started getting small. That's a good sign and very good for my confidence.

We're still hanging out at home since she's 3 weeks old tomorrow, but things are going so much better. I can do this!

Better

Things are looking up. I always forget how frustrating it can be to have a newborn schedule to live by. I never know when I'm going to go to bed or wake up. Samantha is getting faster at eating during the night, though, so it only takes her 30 minutes if I can get her to stay awake long enough. If I don't, she wakes up 10 minutes after I put her in bed, long enough for me to get comfortable and warm again. (Face palm.) I'm sure she will continue to improve. For now, I'm scraping by on 6-7 hours of sleep and feeling 100 times better than I ever did while I was pregnant!

Myles and Carmel left last Friday for Rexburg, but not before the dryer broke again. Myles diagnosed it and had Dad send the parts, so James fixed it on Monday. Thank goodness. The laundromat nearby is awful and not at all maintained. Mom was an angel and took my stuff there to dry. She also make cookies and enough bread to keep us stocked for a few weeks. She left on Sunday to go back to NC after being here for 1 1/2 weeks. I'm really grateful for family. I think they were ready to go because the kids were driving them a little crazy.

We got the house all clean Sunday night just in time for James's mom and brother to come Monday. Everyone did FHE without me since I'm still under quarantine. I enjoyed the quiet time to just watch some TV and snuggle the baby. She was really hungry yesterday and probably going through a growth spurt. We finally got the internet fixed! It had been out  all weekend. Mom and I had to rely on old-fashioned DVD's while James was gone working at mosquito abatement.

Melodie brought apples for me to process, so I'm drying just one batch a day.

Tuesday, Melodie made pancakes in the morning while I tried to sleep in. No luck. I did get all the laundry done in my newly-fixed dryer, caught up on some blogging, and relaxed while Melodie took Joseph and Katie shopping. Joseph went to Scouts on a hike to McConkie Ranch (the petroglyphs).

Wednesday, Samantha had a doctor's appointment in the morning. She isn't growing super fast, but the doctor isn't too worried. I do have to go back in next week for a weight check. I hate that my kids are all so small. They eat a lot, but genetics just aren't on their side when it comes to being big and tall (apparently). James and I went to the temple in the afternoon. It was pretty nice to be there since it's been a while. I felt a lot of peace about my future with 5 kids. I'm starting to feel more confident now that the first two weeks are almost over, but it will take some time before I feel like a real person again.

Today, Melodie and Joseph left for home. I was feeling well enough to get the house completely in order except for the mopping. I'm still taking a break from deep cleaning for this month, but other than that, everything is CLEAN!

Mornings are still the toughest. Samantha's second feeding is often at 5 a.m. and since it takes 30 minutes and then James gets up at 6, it's terribly timed. I know it won't last forever, but in the moment, it's pretty darn frustrating. I do get frustrated by the quarantine thing too, but it will be over soon enough. I'm getting a little nervous about the Primary program at the end of the month since I've just been going to another ward's sacrament meeting and having James take the kids. I will need to go for the last few practices to make sure I know what the heck I'm doing and to calm my nerves.

New Baby

I was right, and the first night home was really rough. It took till 2 a.m. to get Samantha to sleep because I didn't have milk yet and she was hungry, but I didn't realize that at first. We gave her a bottle and she guzzled 1 oz. and then passed out for a few hours. I felt terrible that it took that long to realize that, but none of my other babies were that hungry on their first night at home.

The good things about this week: people here to help with cooking and cleaning and shopping, feeling much better than I did a week ago and almost off pain meds, no heartburn at all (unlike my last two deliveries where I had it for a month after), lots more energy than I've had all year, cute baby to snuggle, clean bill of health at her doctor's appointment, naps, getting more done than I thought I could at this point, feeling MUCH better emotionally than after having Lewis (mostly peaceful with occasional moments of feeling overwhelmed)

The not as good: Samantha is a very slow eater and takes an hour for her night feeding. That means not enough sleep for me. Lewis has been acting out a bit and a lot more rough with her than I'd anticipated, so it's hard not to push him away all the time because he won't cooperate and be soft with the baby. Katie has also been kind of annoying and won't stop pestering my family members for things. I'm ready to have the house to myself, but I'm also not, if that makes sense.

The next month will be tough no matter what. I know the kids will adjust, Samantha will grow and eat faster, and I will adjust to my role as mom of 5 instead of 4. I have already felt great peace about never having to do this again, so the nights spent awake trying to feed a sleepy baby keep getting better day by day. I know she won't be little forever, and it will probably go by much faster than even with the other kids.

God never left my side during this pregnancy even though there were many times I felt he did. I really feel like Alma, who declared that he felt exquisite joy but only after excruciating pain. It's not that I'll never feel pain again, but this particular pain is over, the pain of pregnancy and labor. I feel peaceful that God is happy with the sacrifices I've made to have 5 wonderful children.

Samantha Elizabeth Head

What a crazy few days it's been! James's family was here last Thursday - Saturday, and we did the usual hanging out, working, eating dinner, and playing games. Saturday night, we just relaxed because I was really tired. I made it through Sunday as well even though I wasn't feeling too great, as usual.

Monday and Tuesday were tough days for me. I tried to rest but also get ready to have a baby. James did mosquito abatement on Monday but not Tuesday because I needed the emotional support and the dryer was broken, so he took the wet clothes to the laundromat. Tender mercy: I was able to text Myles before he left NC, so he brought the parts with him and fixed it already.

Wednesday morning, I got a phone call saying that the hospital was full and I couldn't come in for my induction. I was crushed at first, but it ended up being an okay day. For one, I had some real contractions and cramping that kind of let me know I was ready for this anyway. I prayed for months to know if induction was the right option for me because it is often seen as selfish or convenient, but I came to know that it's something I needed to do.

We went in Thursday morning at 7 a.m., so I was at 40 weeks and 2 days. Pitocin started around 8:00 and I settled in. It actually wasn't as painful as I remembered, but I made very little progress at first (starting off at 3 cm and 25%). I did some walking around the break up the monotony, but it didn't help much with progression. The doctor broke my water around 4:30 and then it really started to hurt. I got an epidural around 6:00. That's when things got a little crazy. The baby moved back up a bit and didn't like the stronger contractions, so it started affecting her heart rate negatively. Basically what it came down to was trying to give me enough Pitocin to have productive enough contractions without stressing out the baby. I had been up to 18 units, almost the maximum dose, before my water was broken but they had to start over with no Pitocin to see how much she'd tolerate. I think it was back up to 4-5 units, and that was enough to keep things going.

I actually felt all right through this. At one point, we weren't sure if a C-section was a possibility or not, but it never came to that. (Not like with Lewis where I got wheeled to the OR!) I was reasonably comfortable with the epidural but bored and sleepy. I started feeling crummy as time went on, but I never asked for more medication because for whatever reason I didn't need it this time. At 2:30 AM, I felt like it was time to push, and it was. They got things set up and called the doctor, but he didn't make it in time to catch Samantha. Pushing was so much better than with Lewis. It was more like intense pressure that wouldn't quit until she was born, unlike the excruciating pain I felt with him. I didn't feel like dying, but I did want her out as soon as possible.

Samantha Elizabeth Head was finally born at 2:57 AM on August 31st, 2018. She was 20.5 inches long and weighed 7 lbs., 11 oz., the exact size of her sister! She didn't want to breathe on her own at first, but after ventilating her a bit and putting her on some oxygen, she was fine. She got weaned off the oxygen after she was about 12 hours old and has had no setbacks since.

I felt pretty yucky right after her birth until I got some sleep, but since then, things have improved greatly. The family came to meet her in the afternoon. She has mostly been asleep for the past few days but is starting to wake up more to eat. I always dread the first night at home - tonight. We came home this morning. It was incredibly refreshing not to be stuck there for 5 days. Though the birth was stressful and really long, I still feel like it worked out like it was supposed to. I don't plan on doing it ever again, and this birth experience definitely didn't change my mind on that! Even a "good" birth is still really hard, and there are still the next few emotional weeks to come.

My family is here to help me (Mom, Carmel, Myles, Nash) for varying amounts of time, and James's family will come for a few days after that.

I can do this, but not alone.